Taking a journey

I realized recently that I had managed to go nearly a year and half without adding anything new here. This coincided with the chaotic realities that had taken over my life. I had reached the point a year or so ago where I no longer knew who I was, who I had become and that self awareness came accompanied with an overwhelming emptiness and sense of feeling utterly lost that I knew needed to change. It is not healthy nor productive to float through life as a shell of a human being, especially with the many blessings that remained constant in my life. So I found myself at a crossroads of sorts and have been taking a journey over the past year and half ever since, in search of recalling who I was yesterday, who I am today and who I need to and want to be tomorrow.

I have always been interested in how the rest of the world lives. I was lucky enough during high school that my mom hosted exchange students during the summers and that fueled my love of learning other languages and about other cultures. I even got to spend time during college living and taking classes in Italy and visiting my international friends in France and Spain. Upon my return to the US, I discovered the infancy of the internet and was enchanted with how it let you connect with other people all over the globe in ways never before possible. While my years of being married and having children managed to deeply bury this part of me, this passion, it never completely disappeared.

Thus, when I joined facebook and starting playing a silly but fun game on it, I re-discovered my passion for connecting with other parts of the world. I have many international friends on my gaming list, some of whom have become dear and real friends to me. In it, I found a part of myself awakened and I found a place I could decompress from the stresses in my real life, a place that felt safe to me. I began to once again recognize some of the many blessings that both entered my life and those that were there all along. One of the biggest unexpected blessings for me came a year ago, on my way home from visiting family in Pittsburgh. I met this guy in army fatigues in the airport in Baltimore who was waiting on the same connecting flight as my sister and I. He was enough of a gentleman to offer me the seat next to me so I didn't have to stand to watch playoff football...you know me and sports. When I noticed him playing mafia wars, I couldn't resist commenting that I also played, and we friended each other for gaming.

It could have ended there, but since it was a novelty that I actually met a gaming friend in person, I helped him whenever I saw him on my facebook feed and one day, we started chatting. Over time, we became friends. It kind of started as a joke but Grant decided one day to "adopt" me as his little sister, and that is the slant our friendship has taken ever since, and one that works for me, because growing up I hated being the oldest and had always wanted a big brother. So, if you ever see or hear me refer to my brother, I am talking about Grant, and I really do think of him as my big brother, and he is a tremendous blessing to me. One day, our conversation turned to how I had lost faith in nearly everything from my years of struggling to cope with the impact a special needs child had on my life, and how overwhelmingly lost I felt. Grant invited me to attend church with him and his family one day last year and there, I came to find a sort of peace that I had not felt in a long time. I realized that any sort of personal journey would not be complete, nor relevant, if I didn't take it hand in hand with a spiritual one. I have been attending church ever since and it is something that gives me a respite from my stresses, even if for just a couple hours. My spiritual journey has had its ups and downs but I am still working on it. My quest to figure out God's place in my life and what He wants for me is very much a work in progress. I am also taking a bible study class that I have been enjoying a lot, and along with attending church, it has helped keep me going when I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, which has occurred more often than not. I have been falling into a proverbial ravine and clawing my way out for many years now, and even while some ravines have been deeper than others, I have kept climbing out and am determined not to leave the ravines behind in favor of an abyss. I have become too cranky and cynical to give up, so I keep fighting to survive, one day at a time. I discovered that I do best when I do so, living for today and not projecting too far ahead. That point of view may seem shortsighted to some, but for the time being, it helps keep my anxiety level from overwhelming me.

I am planning to take my blog in a different direction than before, when it was mainly a newsletter of sorts. When I feel my inner muse, I will write here, and I will use this space to document my personal journey and hopefully find my true purpose here on this planet. I know God has something in mind for me but I have not figured out yet what it is, or maybe I have not yet learned to quiet my mind to hear it. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. If you're still reading this, thank you for not giving up on me and know you are one of my many blessings.