The rambling path once so clear and so true,
Crumbled beneath me as I lost my way through,
Falling into blackness, grasping at branches that weren’t there,
My eyes grew ever darker, my spirit choking in despair.
Drowning and struggling in the loneliest crowd,
Sorrow and sadness inside, moaning ever loud.
Just a bottle in hand trying to numb all the pain,
All I wanted to do was to come out of the rain.
Out of the blackness there came the gentlest strength,
The arms of a lifeguard wrapped ‘round me at length,
Bringing the words of a Savior to brighten the abyss,
A rope to hold onto, His love couldn’t miss, and
While I had not the strength, it held me instead,
Brushing tears off a face that no longer felt dead.
Lifting my blackness in the mightiest of ways,
The Lord fought to keep me the rest of my days,
Whispering His words of hope and salvation,
Reminding me I was His beloved creation,
His Great Book full of wisdom and His Holy Light,
Shining in power and mercy, what a beautiful sight.
No more time to be numb, only have time to feel,
A loving Presence so merciful, graceful and real,
Not even the devil himself could ever steal.
My spirits, my soul, they dance and they sing,
Forever grateful to my Savior, my Lord, my great King.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
Shhh!! We're in a library
Ever heard that expression, "my life is an open book?" Well, that popped into my head the other night and I got to thinking about it and before I knew it, I began to consider what that expression could mean spiritually. Books typically belong in a library, whether in your own home or at a public library. Some you own and some you borrow and at some point in time, they become due to be returned from whence they came. It occurred to me that a library is the perfect metaphor to describe all of us under God's care.
After all, God created all of us and decided our stories before we ever existed. Therefore, why wouldn't we be a ginormous set of books in His heavenly library? Think about it. A library houses all sorts of books geared toward all sorts of ages and reading levels. Since God knows all of us, He knows where to put us in His library and where & when to loan us out to an earthly library, and best of all, we get to move around. We may begin in the picture books, then get moved to the early readers, eventually independent readers and young adults sections, etc. Sometimes we may get to be historical fiction, sometimes hysterical fiction, humor, romance, and often times we may end up in the mystery section for a while. The self-help section generally isn't too full since if we are trying to help ourselves, it is not normally successful unless we remember to also allow God to help us at the same time. At one time, my mom-addled brain thought I'd end up in the "hooked on phonics" section, or on the shelf for "slow class," hahaha. At other times, I thought of myself in the "beyond help" section but later realized that once I let God back into my life, no such section existed unless I permanently turned away from Him. It all depends on the paths we choose and who we encounter along the way. How lucky we are! We get to take a guided tour free of charge. So long as we believe and have faith in the process, we get to stick around for the ride.
If you think about it, all of us are on loan to an earthly library and some day, we will all become due and God will return us to the proper section in His library. There are only 3 sections where I do not want to be placed. One is the reference section. It may sound like a good place to be. After all, reference books generally contain a lot of knowledge, and many people could find that knowledge useful. That is the section where you get to stay in the library; in fact, you aren't allowed to leave. No one can lose you because you cannot be checked out. But that is also the section that gathers dust, as in the encyclopedias that today's youth have no knowledge of since they are old school and not electronic (what's an encyclopedia, Mom?) In James 2:14-26, he describes how ones faith and actions are intertwined, and one cannot truly exist without the other. That to me describes the reference section in the library. There either your faith sits without actions, or your actions sit without faith. Neither one gets to move around, few take an interest in them, and neither one finds favor with the Lord.
The other unwanted sections are the graphic novel section, for obvious reasons, and the worst one of all, the used book sale. That is where either people discard their unwanted books from home, or the library discards the unwanted and unused books, perhaps stored in a dark dusty closet until enough books are accumulated to hold a sale. What better way to describe where one could end up without a faith backed with actions? I for one, do not want to ever end up in Satan's bargain book sale, especially if I stay on the table until the last day when they hold the "stuff your bag for a buck sale", and what if I don't sell? Then I would be discarded for good or burned. Who would want that kind of fate? I don't.
My hope is that I will have had enough faith, love and actions during my lifetime to honor the Lord, so that when He comes to collect me, He'll find me with the pages worn on the edges, maybe yellowed with age, perhaps even a little dog-eared on the corners, and I'll fall open to the best parts of my life because they were worth reading over and over. Then maybe I'll end up on one of His more beloved bookshelves in whichever section He decides I most belong. I really hope that shelf will house all my beloved family and friends.
So, what part of the library are you going to end up belonging to someday? The reference section, the discarded book sale or the Lord's most prized shelves?
After all, God created all of us and decided our stories before we ever existed. Therefore, why wouldn't we be a ginormous set of books in His heavenly library? Think about it. A library houses all sorts of books geared toward all sorts of ages and reading levels. Since God knows all of us, He knows where to put us in His library and where & when to loan us out to an earthly library, and best of all, we get to move around. We may begin in the picture books, then get moved to the early readers, eventually independent readers and young adults sections, etc. Sometimes we may get to be historical fiction, sometimes hysterical fiction, humor, romance, and often times we may end up in the mystery section for a while. The self-help section generally isn't too full since if we are trying to help ourselves, it is not normally successful unless we remember to also allow God to help us at the same time. At one time, my mom-addled brain thought I'd end up in the "hooked on phonics" section, or on the shelf for "slow class," hahaha. At other times, I thought of myself in the "beyond help" section but later realized that once I let God back into my life, no such section existed unless I permanently turned away from Him. It all depends on the paths we choose and who we encounter along the way. How lucky we are! We get to take a guided tour free of charge. So long as we believe and have faith in the process, we get to stick around for the ride.
If you think about it, all of us are on loan to an earthly library and some day, we will all become due and God will return us to the proper section in His library. There are only 3 sections where I do not want to be placed. One is the reference section. It may sound like a good place to be. After all, reference books generally contain a lot of knowledge, and many people could find that knowledge useful. That is the section where you get to stay in the library; in fact, you aren't allowed to leave. No one can lose you because you cannot be checked out. But that is also the section that gathers dust, as in the encyclopedias that today's youth have no knowledge of since they are old school and not electronic (what's an encyclopedia, Mom?) In James 2:14-26, he describes how ones faith and actions are intertwined, and one cannot truly exist without the other. That to me describes the reference section in the library. There either your faith sits without actions, or your actions sit without faith. Neither one gets to move around, few take an interest in them, and neither one finds favor with the Lord.
The other unwanted sections are the graphic novel section, for obvious reasons, and the worst one of all, the used book sale. That is where either people discard their unwanted books from home, or the library discards the unwanted and unused books, perhaps stored in a dark dusty closet until enough books are accumulated to hold a sale. What better way to describe where one could end up without a faith backed with actions? I for one, do not want to ever end up in Satan's bargain book sale, especially if I stay on the table until the last day when they hold the "stuff your bag for a buck sale", and what if I don't sell? Then I would be discarded for good or burned. Who would want that kind of fate? I don't.
My hope is that I will have had enough faith, love and actions during my lifetime to honor the Lord, so that when He comes to collect me, He'll find me with the pages worn on the edges, maybe yellowed with age, perhaps even a little dog-eared on the corners, and I'll fall open to the best parts of my life because they were worth reading over and over. Then maybe I'll end up on one of His more beloved bookshelves in whichever section He decides I most belong. I really hope that shelf will house all my beloved family and friends.
So, what part of the library are you going to end up belonging to someday? The reference section, the discarded book sale or the Lord's most prized shelves?
Saturday, June 25, 2011
How bout those Pirates???
That's right...I am thinking about those Pirates, the Pittsburgh Pirates, to whom I usually think of as "those Pirates, bless their hearts"...and I am excited about them. This is a team that has not had a winning year since 1992. Pittsburgh has become a breeding ground for the big name players who started here, then went on to bigger salaries elsewhere, ie: Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla, Tim Wakefield, etc. They don't have the obscene budgets that teams like the Yankees, Red Sox and others have, so they have to let quality (or at least, the big name ones) players leave, and the win-loss record over the years has reflected that fact.
I grew up a Yankees fan first and foremost, listened to most of their games on the radio every year, keeping score when I should have been doing my homework in high school. My sister even busted me once hiding in the confessional during one Saturday mass with a little transistor radio and headphones (sorry Mom, I was a bad Catholic...good thing God forgave me. He and I are good now. He keeps me out of trouble and from doing really stupid things). I loved Dave Righetti. He was terrific on the field and easy on the eyes, what else could a teenage, sports obsessed girl ask for? But I have also been a Pirates fan, from whatever early point in time that I adopted all teams Pittsburgh. It was so long ago that I cannot remember just when it was or why. I was lucky enough to get to a few Pirates games when I was growing up and I still have every item I got from giveaway days at Three Rivers Stadium when they played there. I have a keychain Uncle Jon gave me eons ago that says "Pittsburgh: City of Champions" and it lists the Steelers and Pirates, not Steelers and Penguins.
This year I am excited about the Pirates and find them more compelling than the Yankees right now. Why is that? Pittsburgh is one game over .500, hardly a threat to win the World Series and it's a crapshoot that they'll have a winning record when October gets here. When you look at teams like the Yankees, they have so much money and have won so many times that any season they don't win the World Series, their fans consider it a terrible season. To a certain degree, Pittsburgh has spoiled us Steelers and Penguins fans, even though they do not throw money at their problems in the same manner. Winning raises the bar and the expectations in many arenas of life.
The Pirates have for a while, played their best ball in April and slid downhill after that. It's easy to play well in April, nobody knows yet what you've got for the season. But take a look at the calendar, people, and take note. The Pirates are one game over .500 and it's almost JULY. They are only 3 games out of FIRST place in their division, and okay, that likely speaks to the fact that their division isn't the strongest one right now, but the statistics still count for something. Last night, they didn't play an outstanding game but they played well enough to beat the RED SOX, who are one of this year's best teams. They got Boston to strand several runners on base in key innings. The 8th inning where the Sox got 2 men on base and no outs looked ominous, but somehow Pittsburgh found a way to get through it, Big Papi grounded out to end the inning, the Pirates had protected their 2 run lead and ended up winning 3-1.
The sense I am getting from them this year is that they are finally believing in themselves. They don't go into each game anymore expecting something to happen that tanks their outcome. Right now, they are playing like they expect to win, not playing like they hope to not lose. There is a tremendous difference between those two mindsets and it is translating to better outcomes on the field. Effort and hustle can outplay sheer talent on many days and their manager has them buying into that. It may not produce a pennant this year but if you believe in yourself and not buy into any negativity, it is amazing how much you can accomplish. Pittsburgh is winning again and it is a wonderful thing, not just for the team, but for the city of Pittsburgh and the fans. Pittsburgh is a special city for many reasons, but one of the most telling is how their pro teams support each other. I cannot think of another city where the players do that for each other to the degree that Pittsburgh does. They even all wear the same team colors.
The season is far from over and there are no guarantees that the Pirates are going to finish on the upper side of .500, but what they are accomplishing so far this year is pretty cool. They are well on their way to becoming relevant again and this time, it might be a sustained effort, and that is very exciting to me. Now if I could just get myself to Pittsburgh and park my butt in that gorgeous ballpark they play in now....
Monday, May 9, 2011
what a virtue
I have recently pondered what may or may not be an age old question...what does God want us the most to learn and/or what does He value the most in us? It would be easy to say, live by the 10 commandments, or to treat others with kindness and respect. However, when reflecting as honestly on my life as I could, I have come to the theory that He values patience very highly. Patience can be hard to come by so it is not the most common commodity in the world. It even has its own cliché...."Patience is a virtue".
How did I come up my theory? It's simple. There are quite a number of reasons. One of those reasons is fairly obvious...I have children and not just one or two. I have 3 and one of them is like 3 kids in one, so in theory I am getting to deal with non-adult nonsense of 5 for the price of 3. Sort of a buy 3, get 2 free kind of deal. Personally, I prefer to get such a deal at the grocery store, but no one asked for my opinion in advance. If one or more children aren't fighting, they are scheming and getting busted, or in more innocent ways, they are utilizing their social calendars and requiring adult means of transportation. At times, a deep breath is all that's required to find patience with these urchins...at other times, it might take some prayers and a festive drink. I am pretty open minded so whatever it takes to avoid a mommy meltdown works for me.
Another reason can be found while in my car. There is a never ending supply of stupid and/or bad driving out there and to successfully retain the ability to remain above ground watering the daisies instead of pushing them up, requires an inordinate supply of patience. Oh, to be a traffic cop for even a few hours....I think once a year, we should all be granted temporary traffic deputy status. We'd get to lighten the wallets of stupid drivers everywhere and fill those ticket book quotas at the same time so the cops can worry about the bigger things, like armed robbery, donut shortages and mass murder. The other times I am convinced God loves the patient person best is how frequently I am treated to red lights or stuck behind slow or inattentive drivers in the turning lanes. The Lord must really think I need to learn this lesson because it happens almost every time I get behind the wheel of my car and often times I am running late for something, so it is a genuine test He lays out there for me. Thus, I do try to remember to thank Him when I actually get a green light or a long green arrow. I do not view it as sucking up, just being practical and thankful. One does not and cannot suck up to God, after all.
Those reasons are pretty compelling in support of my theory but I cannot leave out the biggest offender of all....appointments at the doctor's office. I mean, what is the point? You haul ass to be there on time so the tardy police don't give away your appointment to someone else and charge you for a no-show. You sign in and then you wait. In most cases, I would have time to order and pick up a pizza, or paint my toenails, with time to apply a second coat before my name is called. I would often also have time to eat said pizza or put on a top coat of polish with the amount of time I then sit in the examination room after I'm called back. Did you ever notice there are never clocks in the rooms? I would love to be able to offer that as an excuse for me not being somewhere on time..."I'm terribly sorry but I had no idea what time it was. How was I to know your hours ended an hour ago and you had somewhere to be?" God knows that is one of my biggest weaknesses...to find patience in a doctor's office, so He makes sure I work on it nearly every single time I set foot in one.
At any rate....I am seeking serenity, peace, joy, grace and of course, patience. If anyone happens to come across some, please be nice and share with the class. God favors the unselfish person, too, ya know.
How did I come up my theory? It's simple. There are quite a number of reasons. One of those reasons is fairly obvious...I have children and not just one or two. I have 3 and one of them is like 3 kids in one, so in theory I am getting to deal with non-adult nonsense of 5 for the price of 3. Sort of a buy 3, get 2 free kind of deal. Personally, I prefer to get such a deal at the grocery store, but no one asked for my opinion in advance. If one or more children aren't fighting, they are scheming and getting busted, or in more innocent ways, they are utilizing their social calendars and requiring adult means of transportation. At times, a deep breath is all that's required to find patience with these urchins...at other times, it might take some prayers and a festive drink. I am pretty open minded so whatever it takes to avoid a mommy meltdown works for me.
Another reason can be found while in my car. There is a never ending supply of stupid and/or bad driving out there and to successfully retain the ability to remain above ground watering the daisies instead of pushing them up, requires an inordinate supply of patience. Oh, to be a traffic cop for even a few hours....I think once a year, we should all be granted temporary traffic deputy status. We'd get to lighten the wallets of stupid drivers everywhere and fill those ticket book quotas at the same time so the cops can worry about the bigger things, like armed robbery, donut shortages and mass murder. The other times I am convinced God loves the patient person best is how frequently I am treated to red lights or stuck behind slow or inattentive drivers in the turning lanes. The Lord must really think I need to learn this lesson because it happens almost every time I get behind the wheel of my car and often times I am running late for something, so it is a genuine test He lays out there for me. Thus, I do try to remember to thank Him when I actually get a green light or a long green arrow. I do not view it as sucking up, just being practical and thankful. One does not and cannot suck up to God, after all.
Those reasons are pretty compelling in support of my theory but I cannot leave out the biggest offender of all....appointments at the doctor's office. I mean, what is the point? You haul ass to be there on time so the tardy police don't give away your appointment to someone else and charge you for a no-show. You sign in and then you wait. In most cases, I would have time to order and pick up a pizza, or paint my toenails, with time to apply a second coat before my name is called. I would often also have time to eat said pizza or put on a top coat of polish with the amount of time I then sit in the examination room after I'm called back. Did you ever notice there are never clocks in the rooms? I would love to be able to offer that as an excuse for me not being somewhere on time..."I'm terribly sorry but I had no idea what time it was. How was I to know your hours ended an hour ago and you had somewhere to be?" God knows that is one of my biggest weaknesses...to find patience in a doctor's office, so He makes sure I work on it nearly every single time I set foot in one.
At any rate....I am seeking serenity, peace, joy, grace and of course, patience. If anyone happens to come across some, please be nice and share with the class. God favors the unselfish person, too, ya know.
Monday, April 18, 2011
the aliens among us
There has existed for a long time now, the question of are we alone in the universe or are there others out there? Never mind how you feel about how the universe got here, everyone has their own beliefs about that. I'm talking about aliens. Now, I don't mean the grouchy, irritable alien life forms that take over your teenagers' bodies until they reach their early 20's. That is a temporary condition, God willing. I'm also not talking about the muppet-like ones from 80's sitcoms or movies. I'm referring to the ones that have inspired many a book, movie, television show and if you believe in such things, the conspiracy theory connected to our beloved government. I have decided that I do believe we are not alone, but not because I am not allowed to be a tourist in Roswell, NM, or any other restricted secret place. I believe in aliens in far more practical ways, and I believe they come to my house on a regular basis.
How do I know this? I know this for many reasons. For example, I look around my house and find piles of clutter all over the place. I am quite willing to own up to my own clutter but the other clutter? Books, papers, toys, shoes, food messes, trash...all not where it belongs, and it is a great mystery to all who live here. No one knows who made the messes, just that it wasn't them. Hence, I have no other choice than to believe that there is an alien who comes to party when we are all sleeping. I have to give credit, it or they never wake me up, so they could be considered most thoughtful guests, or would be if they cleaned up after themselves. On second thought, anyone who comes to my house to party and doesn't invite me is a rude one, indeed!
I believe our alien friend also has a sock fetish, albeit a somewhat upscale one. It is never the stained, worn out, stretched out or holes in the toes & heels socks that go missing. Oh no. It is usually Chris' good socks that turn up missing; the ones he wears to work. I believe the alien only has one leg, too. It's either that or the alien doesn't believe in matched sets, for it only steals one of each pair that it fancies. I find it hard to believe that I could possibly lose one of so many pairs of socks without help. I may not be the Brady Bunch housekeeper, but I am also not the slovenly wife that you see changing spots with the uppity, super anal-retentive clean freaky one on wifeswap, either.
Our alien must have a superstition or fear of empty containers, too. How else to explain the teaspoon of juice or milk left in the nearly empty container that is constantly found in my refrigerator? Perhaps the alien has a fear of cleaning; after all, everyone knows that if you finish the pitcher of drink or the container of food, you have to then wash it. Our alien does not appear to have working knowledge of trash cans or recycle bins, either. I come down almost daily to find my kitchen counters cluttered up with food wrappers, cereal boxes that need to be flattened and recycled, dirty pans to wash, drinking glasses and plates to be rinsed out for the dishwasher....I am not my children's maid and I sure don't want to clean up after alien parties, either, especially since I was not invited.
I have learned that aliens must have a sense of humor, though. Every time I watch one of my kids run around the house, (usually the boy) frantically searching for some item they "have to have" for school or whatever, since it is impossible for the kids to consider that something can't be found because THEY didn't put it away properly... I find myself thinking, it must therefore, be the fault of our alien, playing hide and seek with their belongings, just to mess with their heads. If I didn't have to hear the yelling and bickering and blaming one another for the missing items, I might find the entire thing completely entertaining. I might even make myself a small bowl of popcorn before I sit and watch the show. I will freely confess, though, that when it is I who is running around like the village idiot while searching for something that I have misplaced, it is not so funny!
One idea that I am kicking around is the thought of leaving a sort of sacrificial offering for our alien friend. Perhaps I can set out before I go to bed one night, a plateful of old socks or some junky snacks and a note proposing that the missing mates to Chris' socks be returned, a barter of sorts. Otherwise, I may have to play hardball and leave out a mop, vacuum and some dish soap instead. If anyone has better ideas, please let me know. Just don't tell me there are no aliens out there because I may just have to drown you in my pile of mismatched socks.
How do I know this? I know this for many reasons. For example, I look around my house and find piles of clutter all over the place. I am quite willing to own up to my own clutter but the other clutter? Books, papers, toys, shoes, food messes, trash...all not where it belongs, and it is a great mystery to all who live here. No one knows who made the messes, just that it wasn't them. Hence, I have no other choice than to believe that there is an alien who comes to party when we are all sleeping. I have to give credit, it or they never wake me up, so they could be considered most thoughtful guests, or would be if they cleaned up after themselves. On second thought, anyone who comes to my house to party and doesn't invite me is a rude one, indeed!
I believe our alien friend also has a sock fetish, albeit a somewhat upscale one. It is never the stained, worn out, stretched out or holes in the toes & heels socks that go missing. Oh no. It is usually Chris' good socks that turn up missing; the ones he wears to work. I believe the alien only has one leg, too. It's either that or the alien doesn't believe in matched sets, for it only steals one of each pair that it fancies. I find it hard to believe that I could possibly lose one of so many pairs of socks without help. I may not be the Brady Bunch housekeeper, but I am also not the slovenly wife that you see changing spots with the uppity, super anal-retentive clean freaky one on wifeswap, either.
Our alien must have a superstition or fear of empty containers, too. How else to explain the teaspoon of juice or milk left in the nearly empty container that is constantly found in my refrigerator? Perhaps the alien has a fear of cleaning; after all, everyone knows that if you finish the pitcher of drink or the container of food, you have to then wash it. Our alien does not appear to have working knowledge of trash cans or recycle bins, either. I come down almost daily to find my kitchen counters cluttered up with food wrappers, cereal boxes that need to be flattened and recycled, dirty pans to wash, drinking glasses and plates to be rinsed out for the dishwasher....I am not my children's maid and I sure don't want to clean up after alien parties, either, especially since I was not invited.
I have learned that aliens must have a sense of humor, though. Every time I watch one of my kids run around the house, (usually the boy) frantically searching for some item they "have to have" for school or whatever, since it is impossible for the kids to consider that something can't be found because THEY didn't put it away properly... I find myself thinking, it must therefore, be the fault of our alien, playing hide and seek with their belongings, just to mess with their heads. If I didn't have to hear the yelling and bickering and blaming one another for the missing items, I might find the entire thing completely entertaining. I might even make myself a small bowl of popcorn before I sit and watch the show. I will freely confess, though, that when it is I who is running around like the village idiot while searching for something that I have misplaced, it is not so funny!
One idea that I am kicking around is the thought of leaving a sort of sacrificial offering for our alien friend. Perhaps I can set out before I go to bed one night, a plateful of old socks or some junky snacks and a note proposing that the missing mates to Chris' socks be returned, a barter of sorts. Otherwise, I may have to play hardball and leave out a mop, vacuum and some dish soap instead. If anyone has better ideas, please let me know. Just don't tell me there are no aliens out there because I may just have to drown you in my pile of mismatched socks.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
pass the Miracle whip
Miracles....what usually comes to mind for many people are the major events, like the parting of the Red Sea by Moses, or a person who conquers a terminal disease or overcomes a chronic ailment in a way that the medical field cannot explain away. Those are all completely real and completely valid, but for people like me, I cannot at the moment, relate to those events. I have discovered that there are miracles all around us every day, whether big or small, if only I take the time to look around and notice. Miracles to me need not be something so big you read about it in the news. To me, miracles can be defined by the notion of divine intervention. If something unexpected and good happens, or something bad is somehow averted, that is divine intervention and therefore miraculous.
Things like my son making the bus when he almost rolls out of bed when it's time to go outside and the bus driver happens to be running late that day...that's a miracle. Sometimes it's me somehow not forgetting to mail all my bills on time and not forgetting any appointments...sometimes, it's me getting to have my shower early enough to walk outside to the bus stop with Alice and NOT have my bathrobe and pj's still on...walking outside or driving in my car and seeing either a rainbow after a rain shower, or fall foliage so stunning it leaves me speechless..that is a miracle. Any time I have had a close call while driving and remained accident free, that is a miracle.
I have also been the recipient of more significant divine interventions this year, though. Went from the brink of divorce to actually looking forward to celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary on Easter Sunday this year. Talk about a great day for a fresh start. We also qualified for the funding to allow us to afford help that is now coming into our house to help us all become a real family for the first time in a significant way. It's early in the process but it has left me with so much hope that things will be better, and they are already changing for the better.
The most recent and very newsworthy miracle is taking place with Matthew. I am sure it has something to do with the help we are getting but I know there is some divine guidance going on, too. He came home from school today and on his own, has been cleaning in his room. If you know anything about my kid, you will know that this is in no way making light of miraculous events...This is truly a miraculous event, considering how hard it is for him to throw anything away of any kind. I am starting to think that maybe God offers a "Miracle of the Month" club that no one told me about and someone in the know gave me a gift membership or something, hahaha. If so, I'll have to make sure I keep renewing it every so often. It is certainly healthier than candy of the month, or junk food of the month, or whatever else one can conjure up.
I don't know what the rest of the year has in store for me but even if I am not granted any more miracles the rest of 2011, I have enough hope and peace inside to carry me through. The miracles of the first part of this year have been pretty great and I am quite thankful for them.
Things like my son making the bus when he almost rolls out of bed when it's time to go outside and the bus driver happens to be running late that day...that's a miracle. Sometimes it's me somehow not forgetting to mail all my bills on time and not forgetting any appointments...sometimes, it's me getting to have my shower early enough to walk outside to the bus stop with Alice and NOT have my bathrobe and pj's still on...walking outside or driving in my car and seeing either a rainbow after a rain shower, or fall foliage so stunning it leaves me speechless..that is a miracle. Any time I have had a close call while driving and remained accident free, that is a miracle.
I have also been the recipient of more significant divine interventions this year, though. Went from the brink of divorce to actually looking forward to celebrating our 18th wedding anniversary on Easter Sunday this year. Talk about a great day for a fresh start. We also qualified for the funding to allow us to afford help that is now coming into our house to help us all become a real family for the first time in a significant way. It's early in the process but it has left me with so much hope that things will be better, and they are already changing for the better.
The most recent and very newsworthy miracle is taking place with Matthew. I am sure it has something to do with the help we are getting but I know there is some divine guidance going on, too. He came home from school today and on his own, has been cleaning in his room. If you know anything about my kid, you will know that this is in no way making light of miraculous events...This is truly a miraculous event, considering how hard it is for him to throw anything away of any kind. I am starting to think that maybe God offers a "Miracle of the Month" club that no one told me about and someone in the know gave me a gift membership or something, hahaha. If so, I'll have to make sure I keep renewing it every so often. It is certainly healthier than candy of the month, or junk food of the month, or whatever else one can conjure up.
I don't know what the rest of the year has in store for me but even if I am not granted any more miracles the rest of 2011, I have enough hope and peace inside to carry me through. The miracles of the first part of this year have been pretty great and I am quite thankful for them.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Make New Friends and Keep the Old......
This week has been one of discovery and re-discovery...I began the week re-connecting with a childhood friend whom I had lost touch with over the years but missed just the same. I was delighted earlier this month to find Renee on facebook and living just a few miles from me! We met up at a dessert place that had coffee/tea and made crepes....I had an apple pie crepe and she had the strawberry/nutella crepe. Boy was that yummy! It was a good thing that we chose to sit outside because the place closed at 9 and by the time we were done talking, laughing and getting pictures, it was nearly 10:30! We will definitely get together again as soon as we can, and it will not take 22 years this time! What a blessing that Renee and I are still friends after all these years!!!
The week also included some real help for our house, for Matthew. Finally. We have a team of people who are coming here for the next several months to work with Matthew individually, work with us and all 5 of us, the intent being to help us put our family back together where we can function as a family and be what I had once dreamed of so long ago. The name of the agency really says it all...Hope Services, and for the first time in many, many moons, that is what I have inside. Hope...and to my astonishment, joy in my spirits.
Hope and joy. These are 2 feelings that do not come naturally to me and they have not come easily to me all these years. It feels quite strange to feel emotions other than panic, disconnect and sadness, those being so much of what I had become accustomed to over the years, my auto-pilot emotions if you will. I have come to realize that hope and joy are a by-product of my spiritual journey. Church, religion and the Lord while I was growing up were not what they were intended to be. For me, they were a chore; something I had to do to stay out of trouble at home. The end result for me was once I turned of legal age, I steered clear of the whole thing. I did internalize some of the important things I had learned, however....how to treat others with kindness and respect, to show compassion and for the most part, not to behave like a jerk toward anyone. This disconnect eventually caught up to me once our struggles with autism in the house kicked into high gear. The more stress our troubles at home caused, the more alone I felt, to the point where I finally felt completely emptied out. Something was missing inside me and it was something big. That something to keep me not just going, but to be, not merely exist each day.
Since last year, I have slowly worked my way back toward letting God's presence back into my life. It has been a bumpy journey but has not ended, (although I do need to pause every so often to ask for directions, hahaha) He sent me a big brother (thank you Grant!) to bolster my spirits and get me pointed in the right direction and I found myself attending church again, this time on my terms. It was the first time in a long time that I found some peace while I sorted everything else out. The blessings that He has shown me since then have been very humbling to me. For the first time in a long time, we found people who instead of turning us away, have told us "yes, we can help you; we can help your son". The most significant blessings of this have been Matthew qualifying for help finding and keeping a job once he completes his schooling, and we qualified for funding assistance for an in-home program that will help us all put our family back together. This in-home service would not have been affordable to us for the recommended time frame, had we not gotten the funding help. I am 100% convinced that God interceded on our behalf for this, and I know He is the reason we found out about it, let alone was able to sign on for it. Miracles don't have to part an ocean to be real, and I know I was granted one here. It is not going to be the easiest 5 or 6 months ahead here, but when it takes a long time for a family to get this out of sync, it will take time to make things right. But I have hope now. and some joy in my heart. Two emotions that will take some getting used to, but I like how they feel and I look forward to getting better acquainted.
So here's to my friend Renee....and to my new friends Hope and Joy. Please stick around a while..........there's room in my heart for all of you.
The week also included some real help for our house, for Matthew. Finally. We have a team of people who are coming here for the next several months to work with Matthew individually, work with us and all 5 of us, the intent being to help us put our family back together where we can function as a family and be what I had once dreamed of so long ago. The name of the agency really says it all...Hope Services, and for the first time in many, many moons, that is what I have inside. Hope...and to my astonishment, joy in my spirits.
Hope and joy. These are 2 feelings that do not come naturally to me and they have not come easily to me all these years. It feels quite strange to feel emotions other than panic, disconnect and sadness, those being so much of what I had become accustomed to over the years, my auto-pilot emotions if you will. I have come to realize that hope and joy are a by-product of my spiritual journey. Church, religion and the Lord while I was growing up were not what they were intended to be. For me, they were a chore; something I had to do to stay out of trouble at home. The end result for me was once I turned of legal age, I steered clear of the whole thing. I did internalize some of the important things I had learned, however....how to treat others with kindness and respect, to show compassion and for the most part, not to behave like a jerk toward anyone. This disconnect eventually caught up to me once our struggles with autism in the house kicked into high gear. The more stress our troubles at home caused, the more alone I felt, to the point where I finally felt completely emptied out. Something was missing inside me and it was something big. That something to keep me not just going, but to be, not merely exist each day.
Since last year, I have slowly worked my way back toward letting God's presence back into my life. It has been a bumpy journey but has not ended, (although I do need to pause every so often to ask for directions, hahaha) He sent me a big brother (thank you Grant!) to bolster my spirits and get me pointed in the right direction and I found myself attending church again, this time on my terms. It was the first time in a long time that I found some peace while I sorted everything else out. The blessings that He has shown me since then have been very humbling to me. For the first time in a long time, we found people who instead of turning us away, have told us "yes, we can help you; we can help your son". The most significant blessings of this have been Matthew qualifying for help finding and keeping a job once he completes his schooling, and we qualified for funding assistance for an in-home program that will help us all put our family back together. This in-home service would not have been affordable to us for the recommended time frame, had we not gotten the funding help. I am 100% convinced that God interceded on our behalf for this, and I know He is the reason we found out about it, let alone was able to sign on for it. Miracles don't have to part an ocean to be real, and I know I was granted one here. It is not going to be the easiest 5 or 6 months ahead here, but when it takes a long time for a family to get this out of sync, it will take time to make things right. But I have hope now. and some joy in my heart. Two emotions that will take some getting used to, but I like how they feel and I look forward to getting better acquainted.
So here's to my friend Renee....and to my new friends Hope and Joy. Please stick around a while..........there's room in my heart for all of you.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
another unplanned family visit (but just as nice)
Maria and I took the spontaneous idea to go up to Sara's one night and return the next afternoon, just so we could grab a chance to see Diana (and Mom, Andrew, Ella & Owen again too). It was a whirlwind short but sweet visit, and fun as always. Chances for the 4 of us sisters to be together are not frequent enough so we try to grab them as often as the opportunity presents itself.
Now....here is where it gets silly...and fun. Just like when we were kids, Maria and I found another way to inject some hilarity and adventure into our existence. We left Sara's in the afternoon to head home shortly after Diana headed to the airport. We intended to make a couple stops on the way back to Ikea and Wegmans(esp. Wegmans!) so Maria plugged in her GPS and off we went. Had a grand time in both places, which offered up enough of a time delay that we basically missed the usual crawl to get out of town on 95 south. Maria has satellite radio in her car and we quickly found ourselves a way to amuse us and make the time pass by. The love channel, filled with an all you can eat buffet of the most vomit inducing sappy songs out there, just in time for Valentine's Day. We decided to make a game of it, trying to predict either the next pukey sappy song or artist coming up next at any given time and boy we were not disappointed, either. We got a dose of Air Supply, the Commodores, Anne Murray and Neil Diamond, just to name a few. After a while, we had to stop for gas since the little gas light was about to come on, so we pulled off at an exit to fill up.
I should point out that we did not exit too far off the highway, so when we were ready to resume our drive home, we took exception to the amount of miles our GPS told us to drive to get back to it. I spotted an actual road sign pointing to 95, so we chose to ignore the GPS and followed the signs. Our vomitous love song game hence re-commenced and we were quite entertained for the ensuing half hour. We noticed that the GPS kept adding time to our estimated arrival back at Maria's house and kept trying to get us to use various exits; how ridiculous! She wanted us to take a longer way home, so we thought. We continued to ignore her. Eventually, we both noticed the road had widened and slowly looked up right about the time I had started to wonder why we had not yet seen Richmond. The large, wide sign announcing Washington DC was ahead of us brought us starkly to the realization that we had managed to drive 33 miles back NORTH on 95, the most hilarious part of it being that we had not even noticed!!!! This little side venture added more than an extra hour to our drive and we were too busy laughing at the absurdity of it to even care. Only Maria and I could have pulled that one off, driving the wrong direction for that long without noticing. Diana and her flight back to Chicago beat us car travelers back home, too. If anyone ever needed proof that they need sisters in their life, this would be it. In spite of the longer than necessary drive back home, I had an awesome time!
Now....here is where it gets silly...and fun. Just like when we were kids, Maria and I found another way to inject some hilarity and adventure into our existence. We left Sara's in the afternoon to head home shortly after Diana headed to the airport. We intended to make a couple stops on the way back to Ikea and Wegmans(esp. Wegmans!) so Maria plugged in her GPS and off we went. Had a grand time in both places, which offered up enough of a time delay that we basically missed the usual crawl to get out of town on 95 south. Maria has satellite radio in her car and we quickly found ourselves a way to amuse us and make the time pass by. The love channel, filled with an all you can eat buffet of the most vomit inducing sappy songs out there, just in time for Valentine's Day. We decided to make a game of it, trying to predict either the next pukey sappy song or artist coming up next at any given time and boy we were not disappointed, either. We got a dose of Air Supply, the Commodores, Anne Murray and Neil Diamond, just to name a few. After a while, we had to stop for gas since the little gas light was about to come on, so we pulled off at an exit to fill up.
I should point out that we did not exit too far off the highway, so when we were ready to resume our drive home, we took exception to the amount of miles our GPS told us to drive to get back to it. I spotted an actual road sign pointing to 95, so we chose to ignore the GPS and followed the signs. Our vomitous love song game hence re-commenced and we were quite entertained for the ensuing half hour. We noticed that the GPS kept adding time to our estimated arrival back at Maria's house and kept trying to get us to use various exits; how ridiculous! She wanted us to take a longer way home, so we thought. We continued to ignore her. Eventually, we both noticed the road had widened and slowly looked up right about the time I had started to wonder why we had not yet seen Richmond. The large, wide sign announcing Washington DC was ahead of us brought us starkly to the realization that we had managed to drive 33 miles back NORTH on 95, the most hilarious part of it being that we had not even noticed!!!! This little side venture added more than an extra hour to our drive and we were too busy laughing at the absurdity of it to even care. Only Maria and I could have pulled that one off, driving the wrong direction for that long without noticing. Diana and her flight back to Chicago beat us car travelers back home, too. If anyone ever needed proof that they need sisters in their life, this would be it. In spite of the longer than necessary drive back home, I had an awesome time!
Blessings of unplanned family visits here and there
It seems that every personal crisis that has hit me so far this year, has been buffered by unexpected blessings. One such blessing was the unplanned visit into town by Mom & Ed right before my trip to Pittsburgh. Although that came with its own dramatic flair, the upside of it was that I got to spend time with them that I wasn't expecting to, and that was a wonderful thing, a much needed boost to my spirits. Not only that, but my sister Sara came down here for a night, so I got to meet my nephew Owen, who is sweet and perfect and perfectly wonderful. We ended up congregating at Maria's house for a spell, which led to some picture opportunities such as these:
better late than never..Pittsburgh!
So much for my intention to write whenever the mood strikes..here it is a month after the fact and I am only now writing about my weekend in Pittsburgh for the Super Bowl, a trip to my favorite city that was brought about by the generosity of my wonderful cousin Will. He spent flyer miles so I could fly up for free and watch the Super Bowl from Pittsburgh, something that meant more than I could put into words. This year has begun with another stressfest and going to Pgh was a respite for me that I am immensely grateful for.
Will and Alicia met me at the airport, Will sporting his inflatable helmet much to Alicia's chagrin. I however, loved such a welcome!!!
I was warmed inside with excitement at the sight of black & gold everywhere, starting with inside of the airport. There is such a pride and intense love for the Steelers in Pittsburgh and you can feel it in the air.
Will, Alicia and I headed down to one of my favorite spots downtown after we got some lunch at the Sharp Edge..the Strip district. This is more than just a location downtown, it is an experience, especially during the postseason. There was literally black & gold and Steelers pride everywhere you turned. Gobs of people, shopping for as much Steelers merchandise as they could find. I spotted cars with black & gold paper confetti on them, Steelers fight songs blaring at every store front, people dressed for the occasion but everyone sharing a common link, their love and support for the Steelers and pride that we had made another Super Bowl.
That night, Karen joined us and met up with Beth & Mike at another icon downtown for dinner, Church Brew Works. This place is magnificent inside, being a former cathedral style church but now houses a restaurant as well as a mini brewery inside, and this weekend, it was decked out with Steeler pride (what else would you find the weekend of the Super Bowl with Pgh playing?) The food was outstanding and the company even better.
We met up with Beth & Mike again in the morning for breakfast before Will & I headed over so I could visit with Aunt Aileen & Uncle Jon for a while. Again, more black & gold everywhere...all the employees at the pancake house were dressed for the Steelers, almost all the customers dressed for the Steelers, I multitasked with my Penguins jersey over a Steelers shirt since the Pens had a game earlier in the day than the Super Bowl, hahahaha...Pittsburgh is a wonderful place to be during sports season.
Gametime was going to be spent at Will's friend Donna's house, which was thankfully in walking distance from Will's. Quite nice for us because Will and I went to Donna's armed with a cooler of beer. I had in my mug a nice serving of limoncello, which is like lemonhead candy for adults, in liquid form, hahahaha...yummy AND festive!
Karen and Alicia good-naturedly accompanied us, which was quite nice!
The sight of Donna's house, both inside and out, made me giddy....Steelers stuff everywhere! I think I just may need to have my wake here someday; they can just lay out my dead carcass on the couch, heeheehee....I got to meet all of Donna's brood. They are the kind of people that you can meet and suddenly you have some lifelong friends. The kind of hard working, kindhearted decent people that are so representative of the population in Pittsburgh. Real, caring people, and they so graciously opened their home and hearts to me. What a blessing to know people like this! I could not have found a better place to watch the Super Bowl than here, and could not have found better people. Pittsburgh is a special place full of special people.
I had such a wonderful time that night that it took the sting off a Steelers loss. I did, however, mentally put football away in my mind before I could get too bummed out about the final score, but truth be told, my boys played like crap and deserved to lose, as painful as that is to admit. But we'll be back next year. I believe in my Steelers, always.
Will and Alicia met me at the airport, Will sporting his inflatable helmet much to Alicia's chagrin. I however, loved such a welcome!!!
I was warmed inside with excitement at the sight of black & gold everywhere, starting with inside of the airport. There is such a pride and intense love for the Steelers in Pittsburgh and you can feel it in the air.
Will, Alicia and I headed down to one of my favorite spots downtown after we got some lunch at the Sharp Edge..the Strip district. This is more than just a location downtown, it is an experience, especially during the postseason. There was literally black & gold and Steelers pride everywhere you turned. Gobs of people, shopping for as much Steelers merchandise as they could find. I spotted cars with black & gold paper confetti on them, Steelers fight songs blaring at every store front, people dressed for the occasion but everyone sharing a common link, their love and support for the Steelers and pride that we had made another Super Bowl.
That night, Karen joined us and met up with Beth & Mike at another icon downtown for dinner, Church Brew Works. This place is magnificent inside, being a former cathedral style church but now houses a restaurant as well as a mini brewery inside, and this weekend, it was decked out with Steeler pride (what else would you find the weekend of the Super Bowl with Pgh playing?) The food was outstanding and the company even better.
We met up with Beth & Mike again in the morning for breakfast before Will & I headed over so I could visit with Aunt Aileen & Uncle Jon for a while. Again, more black & gold everywhere...all the employees at the pancake house were dressed for the Steelers, almost all the customers dressed for the Steelers, I multitasked with my Penguins jersey over a Steelers shirt since the Pens had a game earlier in the day than the Super Bowl, hahahaha...Pittsburgh is a wonderful place to be during sports season.
Gametime was going to be spent at Will's friend Donna's house, which was thankfully in walking distance from Will's. Quite nice for us because Will and I went to Donna's armed with a cooler of beer. I had in my mug a nice serving of limoncello, which is like lemonhead candy for adults, in liquid form, hahahaha...yummy AND festive!
Karen and Alicia good-naturedly accompanied us, which was quite nice!
The sight of Donna's house, both inside and out, made me giddy....Steelers stuff everywhere! I think I just may need to have my wake here someday; they can just lay out my dead carcass on the couch, heeheehee....I got to meet all of Donna's brood. They are the kind of people that you can meet and suddenly you have some lifelong friends. The kind of hard working, kindhearted decent people that are so representative of the population in Pittsburgh. Real, caring people, and they so graciously opened their home and hearts to me. What a blessing to know people like this! I could not have found a better place to watch the Super Bowl than here, and could not have found better people. Pittsburgh is a special place full of special people.
I had such a wonderful time that night that it took the sting off a Steelers loss. I did, however, mentally put football away in my mind before I could get too bummed out about the final score, but truth be told, my boys played like crap and deserved to lose, as painful as that is to admit. But we'll be back next year. I believe in my Steelers, always.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Give us this day, our daily bread
I went to make my son some sandwiches the other day for his lunch and I was greeted with a bowl full of bread bags, each containing 1 or 3 slices of bread. The 3 finalists are usually both ends of the loaf and one stray inner slice. So I got to wondering...your typical sandwich uses 2 slices of bread. Most people, unless they are getting fancy, do not normally stack any higher than 2 slices. So, why is it that all the bread manufacturers package their loaves with an odd number of slices? Is it really so difficult to ask the slicing machines to slice in even numbers? One would think that given all the technological wonders that our generation has access to, that someone out there could build a slicing machine that slices in even numbers. Unless you have teenage boys eating you out of house and home, that lonely, last slice is going to be stale, or better yet, moldy, by the time you go through another loaf to find its soulmate. I do happen to have a teenage boy, but I also have kids, who, like many others, aren't so crazy about the end slices of the loaf. It is much more difficult to eat AROUND the crust (if you're picky that way) when the slice IS the crust. Therefore, it does not occur, nor appeal to them, to make themselves a half sandwich to put that lonely piece of bread out of its misery. Not only am I trying to raise 3 children here, apparently I am also the warden running an orphanage for wayward bread slices. Just what I need, another unpaid, thankless job, yeehaw.
I guess I will need to take pity on the lonely slices that pine away in my kitchen and start enjoying a half sandwich from time to time. Perhaps a nice, half PB & J with a glass of milk will be my snack this afternoon. Bon Appétit!
I guess I will need to take pity on the lonely slices that pine away in my kitchen and start enjoying a half sandwich from time to time. Perhaps a nice, half PB & J with a glass of milk will be my snack this afternoon. Bon Appétit!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Bless my heart, I think I've become a southern girl
I realized something this morning. I don't like being cold. I have lived in NC for just a trace over 3 years now and I have become very enchanted with the hotter weather here. I love when it's over 90 and I can run around in just a pair of shorts and a cami. I love that I seldom feel the need to wear socks anymore. The sun and heat feel wonderful to me. But, I have to ask myself...what happened to my Yankee blood??? I used to be stronger than this!
I have spent most of my life up north, living with snow and blustery temps, happy to bundle up and pile on the layers of hats, scarves, warm mittens, heavy coat, boots...18 inches of snow on the ground? No problem! I lived in houses with radiators that I could drape all the winter gear over to dry them after being outside. Driving in snow and sleet? I can handle that! I scoffed at the folks who aren't used to it and can't drive in it...
But now? We have had several days now of more northern-like temps, most of the state actually getting hit with snow, my area getting the ice and freezing rain. The air here has felt like the "good ol'days"...and I don't like it! I don't even have a snowbrush in my car right now, mainly because I can't find it. I suspect it walked out on me from being ignored for too many months. I walk outside to get the mail and I come back inside shivering. The cold mocks me now. The snow rake that is being stored up in the attic because we just don't need to use it anymore, is up there communing with the cobwebs and counting splinters on the rafters. It suffers from chronic neglect. I am running an island for misfit winter toys and tools here.
Now, I do confess, the several inches of snow we did get the day after Christmas..THAT I was very happy about. Why? My Yankee blood is in hiding but it is not completely gone. I don't like green Christmases. It makes me crazy to have to listen to songs on the radio about white christmas and sleigh rides when it is green everywhere. However, that was enough winter for me. I am ready for it to be gone. I love my sweaters but I am ready for bare legs and shorts again and the chance to ambush my kids with the super soaker water guns.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself some tea and warm up again.
I have spent most of my life up north, living with snow and blustery temps, happy to bundle up and pile on the layers of hats, scarves, warm mittens, heavy coat, boots...18 inches of snow on the ground? No problem! I lived in houses with radiators that I could drape all the winter gear over to dry them after being outside. Driving in snow and sleet? I can handle that! I scoffed at the folks who aren't used to it and can't drive in it...
But now? We have had several days now of more northern-like temps, most of the state actually getting hit with snow, my area getting the ice and freezing rain. The air here has felt like the "good ol'days"...and I don't like it! I don't even have a snowbrush in my car right now, mainly because I can't find it. I suspect it walked out on me from being ignored for too many months. I walk outside to get the mail and I come back inside shivering. The cold mocks me now. The snow rake that is being stored up in the attic because we just don't need to use it anymore, is up there communing with the cobwebs and counting splinters on the rafters. It suffers from chronic neglect. I am running an island for misfit winter toys and tools here.
Now, I do confess, the several inches of snow we did get the day after Christmas..THAT I was very happy about. Why? My Yankee blood is in hiding but it is not completely gone. I don't like green Christmases. It makes me crazy to have to listen to songs on the radio about white christmas and sleigh rides when it is green everywhere. However, that was enough winter for me. I am ready for it to be gone. I love my sweaters but I am ready for bare legs and shorts again and the chance to ambush my kids with the super soaker water guns.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make myself some tea and warm up again.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Taking a journey
I realized recently that I had managed to go nearly a year and half without adding anything new here. This coincided with the chaotic realities that had taken over my life. I had reached the point a year or so ago where I no longer knew who I was, who I had become and that self awareness came accompanied with an overwhelming emptiness and sense of feeling utterly lost that I knew needed to change. It is not healthy nor productive to float through life as a shell of a human being, especially with the many blessings that remained constant in my life. So I found myself at a crossroads of sorts and have been taking a journey over the past year and half ever since, in search of recalling who I was yesterday, who I am today and who I need to and want to be tomorrow.
I have always been interested in how the rest of the world lives. I was lucky enough during high school that my mom hosted exchange students during the summers and that fueled my love of learning other languages and about other cultures. I even got to spend time during college living and taking classes in Italy and visiting my international friends in France and Spain. Upon my return to the US, I discovered the infancy of the internet and was enchanted with how it let you connect with other people all over the globe in ways never before possible. While my years of being married and having children managed to deeply bury this part of me, this passion, it never completely disappeared.
Thus, when I joined facebook and starting playing a silly but fun game on it, I re-discovered my passion for connecting with other parts of the world. I have many international friends on my gaming list, some of whom have become dear and real friends to me. In it, I found a part of myself awakened and I found a place I could decompress from the stresses in my real life, a place that felt safe to me. I began to once again recognize some of the many blessings that both entered my life and those that were there all along. One of the biggest unexpected blessings for me came a year ago, on my way home from visiting family in Pittsburgh. I met this guy in army fatigues in the airport in Baltimore who was waiting on the same connecting flight as my sister and I. He was enough of a gentleman to offer me the seat next to me so I didn't have to stand to watch playoff football...you know me and sports. When I noticed him playing mafia wars, I couldn't resist commenting that I also played, and we friended each other for gaming.
It could have ended there, but since it was a novelty that I actually met a gaming friend in person, I helped him whenever I saw him on my facebook feed and one day, we started chatting. Over time, we became friends. It kind of started as a joke but Grant decided one day to "adopt" me as his little sister, and that is the slant our friendship has taken ever since, and one that works for me, because growing up I hated being the oldest and had always wanted a big brother. So, if you ever see or hear me refer to my brother, I am talking about Grant, and I really do think of him as my big brother, and he is a tremendous blessing to me. One day, our conversation turned to how I had lost faith in nearly everything from my years of struggling to cope with the impact a special needs child had on my life, and how overwhelmingly lost I felt. Grant invited me to attend church with him and his family one day last year and there, I came to find a sort of peace that I had not felt in a long time. I realized that any sort of personal journey would not be complete, nor relevant, if I didn't take it hand in hand with a spiritual one. I have been attending church ever since and it is something that gives me a respite from my stresses, even if for just a couple hours. My spiritual journey has had its ups and downs but I am still working on it. My quest to figure out God's place in my life and what He wants for me is very much a work in progress. I am also taking a bible study class that I have been enjoying a lot, and along with attending church, it has helped keep me going when I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, which has occurred more often than not. I have been falling into a proverbial ravine and clawing my way out for many years now, and even while some ravines have been deeper than others, I have kept climbing out and am determined not to leave the ravines behind in favor of an abyss. I have become too cranky and cynical to give up, so I keep fighting to survive, one day at a time. I discovered that I do best when I do so, living for today and not projecting too far ahead. That point of view may seem shortsighted to some, but for the time being, it helps keep my anxiety level from overwhelming me.
I am planning to take my blog in a different direction than before, when it was mainly a newsletter of sorts. When I feel my inner muse, I will write here, and I will use this space to document my personal journey and hopefully find my true purpose here on this planet. I know God has something in mind for me but I have not figured out yet what it is, or maybe I have not yet learned to quiet my mind to hear it. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. If you're still reading this, thank you for not giving up on me and know you are one of my many blessings.
I have always been interested in how the rest of the world lives. I was lucky enough during high school that my mom hosted exchange students during the summers and that fueled my love of learning other languages and about other cultures. I even got to spend time during college living and taking classes in Italy and visiting my international friends in France and Spain. Upon my return to the US, I discovered the infancy of the internet and was enchanted with how it let you connect with other people all over the globe in ways never before possible. While my years of being married and having children managed to deeply bury this part of me, this passion, it never completely disappeared.
Thus, when I joined facebook and starting playing a silly but fun game on it, I re-discovered my passion for connecting with other parts of the world. I have many international friends on my gaming list, some of whom have become dear and real friends to me. In it, I found a part of myself awakened and I found a place I could decompress from the stresses in my real life, a place that felt safe to me. I began to once again recognize some of the many blessings that both entered my life and those that were there all along. One of the biggest unexpected blessings for me came a year ago, on my way home from visiting family in Pittsburgh. I met this guy in army fatigues in the airport in Baltimore who was waiting on the same connecting flight as my sister and I. He was enough of a gentleman to offer me the seat next to me so I didn't have to stand to watch playoff football...you know me and sports. When I noticed him playing mafia wars, I couldn't resist commenting that I also played, and we friended each other for gaming.
It could have ended there, but since it was a novelty that I actually met a gaming friend in person, I helped him whenever I saw him on my facebook feed and one day, we started chatting. Over time, we became friends. It kind of started as a joke but Grant decided one day to "adopt" me as his little sister, and that is the slant our friendship has taken ever since, and one that works for me, because growing up I hated being the oldest and had always wanted a big brother. So, if you ever see or hear me refer to my brother, I am talking about Grant, and I really do think of him as my big brother, and he is a tremendous blessing to me. One day, our conversation turned to how I had lost faith in nearly everything from my years of struggling to cope with the impact a special needs child had on my life, and how overwhelmingly lost I felt. Grant invited me to attend church with him and his family one day last year and there, I came to find a sort of peace that I had not felt in a long time. I realized that any sort of personal journey would not be complete, nor relevant, if I didn't take it hand in hand with a spiritual one. I have been attending church ever since and it is something that gives me a respite from my stresses, even if for just a couple hours. My spiritual journey has had its ups and downs but I am still working on it. My quest to figure out God's place in my life and what He wants for me is very much a work in progress. I am also taking a bible study class that I have been enjoying a lot, and along with attending church, it has helped keep me going when I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, which has occurred more often than not. I have been falling into a proverbial ravine and clawing my way out for many years now, and even while some ravines have been deeper than others, I have kept climbing out and am determined not to leave the ravines behind in favor of an abyss. I have become too cranky and cynical to give up, so I keep fighting to survive, one day at a time. I discovered that I do best when I do so, living for today and not projecting too far ahead. That point of view may seem shortsighted to some, but for the time being, it helps keep my anxiety level from overwhelming me.
I am planning to take my blog in a different direction than before, when it was mainly a newsletter of sorts. When I feel my inner muse, I will write here, and I will use this space to document my personal journey and hopefully find my true purpose here on this planet. I know God has something in mind for me but I have not figured out yet what it is, or maybe I have not yet learned to quiet my mind to hear it. When I figure it out, I'll let you know. If you're still reading this, thank you for not giving up on me and know you are one of my many blessings.
Kids, that M stands for MOM, not the MAID...
to my dear children,
I will love you unconditionally, feed you, clothe you, be sympathetic when you are sick and do what I can to support you and cheer for you. I will go to bat for you in a worthy cause and I would be willing to trade in my life for yours if ever needed. However.....I am not your butler, I do not run a diner, (if you do not like what I cooked, you know where to find the cereal or sandwich fixins), nor do I offer room service of any kind. I am not your valet and I do not carry a beeper around with me....I am not on call for you. If I occasionally behave like your chauffeur, it is at my personal convenience, not yours. God gave you talents and abilities and a brain. Please use them. 2 of you are high school teenagers and the other one of you starts middle school next year. I have faith in you that you can figure it out.
If you complain about boredom, too bad. I am not your personal cruise director. You have far more choices in front of you than I ever did. If you insist on choosing to be bored, I will be happy to provide you with a toilet brush or mop (or both) to distract you from your tedious existence.
If you whine and complain, kindly take note that my hearing aid no longer functions correctly and I may feel compelled to shove a piece of cheese into your mouth to soak up the whine. The complaint department has also been eliminated due to budget cuts; it's called one of life's cruel lessons...time to discover the usefulness of learning to adapt to your environment. Darwin's rule figured this out and you can, too.
If you are thirsty, you know where to find the drinking glasses. I can assure you that I pay our water bill every month, the faucets will pour out a drink if you just lift the handle. The magic of that still works even when you reach the ages of 16, 14 and 10. If you are hungry and it's not dinnertime, you know where the refrigerator and pantry are. You are old enough to use the stove safely and I promise you, the dishwasher functions perfectly. You will also always be able to find dishsoap available for handwashing the rest. As much as we all pine away for and long for the Kitchen Fairy to come and take away our messes, she is real as the Great Pumpkin. Get over it.
Love, Mom
I will love you unconditionally, feed you, clothe you, be sympathetic when you are sick and do what I can to support you and cheer for you. I will go to bat for you in a worthy cause and I would be willing to trade in my life for yours if ever needed. However.....I am not your butler, I do not run a diner, (if you do not like what I cooked, you know where to find the cereal or sandwich fixins), nor do I offer room service of any kind. I am not your valet and I do not carry a beeper around with me....I am not on call for you. If I occasionally behave like your chauffeur, it is at my personal convenience, not yours. God gave you talents and abilities and a brain. Please use them. 2 of you are high school teenagers and the other one of you starts middle school next year. I have faith in you that you can figure it out.
If you complain about boredom, too bad. I am not your personal cruise director. You have far more choices in front of you than I ever did. If you insist on choosing to be bored, I will be happy to provide you with a toilet brush or mop (or both) to distract you from your tedious existence.
If you whine and complain, kindly take note that my hearing aid no longer functions correctly and I may feel compelled to shove a piece of cheese into your mouth to soak up the whine. The complaint department has also been eliminated due to budget cuts; it's called one of life's cruel lessons...time to discover the usefulness of learning to adapt to your environment. Darwin's rule figured this out and you can, too.
If you are thirsty, you know where to find the drinking glasses. I can assure you that I pay our water bill every month, the faucets will pour out a drink if you just lift the handle. The magic of that still works even when you reach the ages of 16, 14 and 10. If you are hungry and it's not dinnertime, you know where the refrigerator and pantry are. You are old enough to use the stove safely and I promise you, the dishwasher functions perfectly. You will also always be able to find dishsoap available for handwashing the rest. As much as we all pine away for and long for the Kitchen Fairy to come and take away our messes, she is real as the Great Pumpkin. Get over it.
Love, Mom
Thursday, September 10, 2009
FOOTBALL TIME, BABY!!!!! ABOUT TIME, TOO!!
My Steelers are in da house again!!!! We're in the first quarter so far...0-0...
I am so happy!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!!
I am so happy!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Girls Night Out!!!!
Maria's good high school friend Faye was in town for the weekend, and I know her, too, so Maria arranged for some girly fun out on the town. Our friend Tracy met up with us, too, driving to my house and I drove up to meet up with Maria and Faye. Of course, I had to drive my new Bug!! =) We went up to Chapel Hill and had dinner up there, then went to a coffeehouse, which was more like a restaurant/bar to have some wine. It was so awesome to have a reason to dress up for something and we had a blast!! I really hope we can do this again soon! thank you to Chris for keeping the kids so I could get out of the house!
Tracy and Maria
me and Faye
the 4 of us after some wine... =)
love my purple dress!
my sassy shoes and sort of sloppy nails..hahahaha...
Tracy and Maria
me and Faye
the 4 of us after some wine... =)
love my purple dress!
my sassy shoes and sort of sloppy nails..hahahaha...
saying bye to the old, hello to the new....
Car, that is. My van which had faithfully transported me and the kids around for over 13 years, finally needed repairs more expensive than its book value, so we had to go car shopping. I'd decided that since it is not often anymore that all 5 of us are in my car at once, that I didn't need another van, and I wanted something smaller, more fun..something that when you saw it, you thought Theresa, not Theresa the mom. So what else could I get but a Beetle!! I have plans to paint it a happy grape shade of purple, but for now it is white. I generally don't care for white cars, but it is cute on the Beetle. But I really want it purple, so that is the eventual plan. I have to say, I love, LOVE my new car! I love driving a stick again, too! the Steelersmobile has a new look now!
goodbye van...
hellooo, bug!
Dale & Dinah approve of my new back seat! =)
my Steeler car bling..inside
and out! When a front bracket gets attached, then I can add the Terrible Towel!
The next day, I added some friends to the back shelf...it started out as just Statler and Waldorf (for my own peanut gallery) and morphed into a gang on both sides!
My last bit of goofy fun was a car picture, which Maria has already made fun of me over...yes cheesy, but this year I am all about doing things that are different than the same ol, same ol, so why not? =)
goodbye van...
hellooo, bug!
Dale & Dinah approve of my new back seat! =)
my Steeler car bling..inside
and out! When a front bracket gets attached, then I can add the Terrible Towel!
The next day, I added some friends to the back shelf...it started out as just Statler and Waldorf (for my own peanut gallery) and morphed into a gang on both sides!
My last bit of goofy fun was a car picture, which Maria has already made fun of me over...yes cheesy, but this year I am all about doing things that are different than the same ol, same ol, so why not? =)
Birthday time at home!!!
Since Kristen's birthday was the day after we got home, and mine the day after, we tried to take it easy. I took her and her best friend Sam to the mall, which as you know, is not my favorite activity, so it was a gesture of love, for sure! hahaha...they then had a sleepover later on in the day...
I was happy the next day to have my friend Deanna over after heading to Locopops with Maria and the girls. She's Sam's mom, and her other daughter is buddies with Alice, so it was really fun. I actually had a really relaxing day for once! One of my favorite gifts this year was from Diana..a Sidney Crosby ornament!! He is too fabulous to only see at Christmas, so I hung him up near my kitchen sink with Big Ben. Having my Pittsburgh stuff around me makes me all kinds of happy! =)
I was happy the next day to have my friend Deanna over after heading to Locopops with Maria and the girls. She's Sam's mom, and her other daughter is buddies with Alice, so it was really fun. I actually had a really relaxing day for once! One of my favorite gifts this year was from Diana..a Sidney Crosby ornament!! He is too fabulous to only see at Christmas, so I hung him up near my kitchen sink with Big Ben. Having my Pittsburgh stuff around me makes me all kinds of happy! =)
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